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She was Once
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happiness?is it a gift?
Written at 6:47 AM on Friday, June 1, 2007 0 comment(s)

where do happiness come from?how does a person define happiness?is it a gift from God or do we have to fight for it our self?sometimes,i do wonder where happiness comes from..even when you see someone smiling,you'll know that it isn't true..sometimes someone might seem happy to be with you but when you turn the other way,he'll be snickering away..smiling at your weak points and glad that you have them..how will you know when the smile he flash is of true happiness coming from people who really care bout you or from the person you care about?i suddenly find this world cold and dark knowing people who seems to care for you are the people who want you out of the rat race..i might seem silly somethings caring for little things like this but it really scares me to see someone you trust so much betraying you..what for?all for the sake of being in the race which in the end will still end when everyone go their separate ways and then another rat race will begin...the saying "what you see is what you believe"..i no longer think it's true..the battle in this fast growing world is not a battle for land anymore...it is no longer war but it is a battle of mind...why do mankind always tend to turn out to be evil and selfish..why did God created us only to know that we will all turn out to be this way...isn't God the all mighty who has a good fore sight or shall i say a great fore sight?if God created us only to see us all turn into this way..i think the most wicked and vicious criminal of all time would be God....God created Jack the Ripper,the Yorkshire Ripper,Ed Gein and all those other criminals..why are there evil roaming on earth?and why are there Heaven and Hell?sometimes I don't know why I have so many questions which are all silly but i really would hope to find out one day...maybe the day I die,will be the day i find the answer...when i was younger,i had always thought it would be so much easier to be a parent if you learn to let go and to only love the good side of your off springs..i now know it is quite impossible...i really hate my bro a lot..he had done so much thing not only to hurt me but i felt he had hurt my parents a lot...why did he do all those things?does it find it amazing to hurt others and does it fulfill his hunger by eating up other people's sadness?it sometimes seems like he love outsiders more than his own family...i would really like to see how will he raise his kids...when i was around std 3,my bro hit my so hard that it left his "fingers" on my face...when my parents came back...i was crying and yet,he ran to them and told them that i was being naughty..well,i couldn't even defend myself and i got scolding from my parents again...that's probably when i got my dream of becoming a lawyer...well,but after that my maid made me an egg for my face and yet those "fingers" never left my face for three days....sometimes,it really amazes me to see where the human temper can bring us...there's this once when me and my bro got into a fight and this time it's really silly...wanna know what he did?he went to the kitchen and took out a knife and he threatened me...i wonder if my parents still remembers all these fights?well,but no matter how hard to forget it,i could never get it out of my head..well,over years,i learned and i guess,that's how i grew up to be so fierce and turned out to be such a bully..well,but I'm glad i wasn't as violent as him...the other day,he answered my mom and i was really really angry..i wanted so badly to yell back at him...but i didn't...he yelled at my mom with my dad there and my dad did not even defend my mom....well,i guessed that's probably because my dad really loves him..and yet he can't feel it...where's his heart situated..maybe he lost it over the years..well,after all the beating and yelling i got from him,i learned how to defend myself and i would never ever let him lay a finger on my sister...maybe that's why she always got bullied by in school...getting older and learning responsibility is a must in every human being..sometimes,you might learn it slower when you were being dependant on someone else...but the time will come sooner or later...but at the age of 25...i think everyone should be fully grown by now..but how come..how come my bro never got to the point where he should have grown up...i hate him so much for not doing so many things...when i was young and a few of my friends with brother would say,"don't yell at me or I'll ask my bro to come get you"...well,sometimes i do envy them for being able to say that...that's why i wanna be able to protect my sister so that she'll feel safe and also be able to say that when people bully her..recently,my bro did something so stupid which i can't seem to understand...and which probably no one in my family understands...he acts so stupid and yet he wants people to understand him....when i was growing up,i had always known my dad had more love for my bro and my mom had always had more love for my sis...even though they kept on saying their love were all equal and they gave me shelter,food and clothes,i had always hunger for their love...but I'm over that now...because I'm proud to say I'm glad to have grown into who i am today...no matter how i turn out to be in the future..i wanna take good care of my parents despite the lack of love i had....probably God made our heart to be this way...a friend of mine told me once that she had tried her best to love her daughter...she has 2 daughters and a son...one of her daughter is really really really naughty...but she's really smart...she knows knows how to differentiate her "kakak" from her parents and teachers...she has different levels of respects for all of them and she's just 3...cute right...when she talks to her "kakak" and she wants something,she knows she can yell at her to get the stuffs she wants..she never says please and thank you to her "kakak"...well,to her teachers she's better but she's best to her parents and outsiders..once,i took her out for lunch and she was so rude to the waitress but when i asked her for something,she never yells at me and when she wants something,this is the best part...she would be so sweet and she would smile with her lost 2 front tooth and ask with a please and a thank you...well,my point is that her mom knows her attitude and once when her mom was very angry because she fought with her husband and she's already so annoyed and her youngest daughter kept crying because she lost something and when her mom asked her to stop crying and she didn't..she got the five finger punishment on her butt..and the more my friend hit her,the more she cried...that wasn't the first time the girl "dono-how-to-act"(mm sek zou)...so now,her mom really hates her...her mom wouldn't even touch her now... my whole life really revolves a lot around my family and friends...and the most around silly thoughts...well,i don't know how well anyone really knows me but i guess..no one will really understand me because i don't even really understand myself....

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xoxo,

Su-Quinn